If Not Trying to Persuade, What Is Your Communication Purpose

Are You Trying to Inform? While conveying information, self-confidence and confidence in your message, discernible to the listener, is critical in establishing your credibility. The key is to deliver your message with confidence but without condescension, arrogance, or closed-mindedness. If you are truly “in the shoes” of the other, this shouldn’t be an issue. Your mission then is to convey information clearly and concisely.

Are You Trying to Learn? In a learning communication, where you are trying to extract information from the other, there are two primary considerations that affect strategy: the quantity of information you need or want, and the time and other needs of the other.

·      If the amount of information is large, you might use open-ended questions, allow the other to deliver the information as they see best, and fill in the voids with more specific questions later. If the information is small, you might be very direct and specific.

·      You’ll want to respect the time needs of the other. Look for signals from them, and consider asking directly, about the time they have available for you and adjust accordingly. What about their other needs? Do your best to anticipate possible fears and make their communication with you as safe as a possible. If the other needs confidentiality, then commit to it if you are able and honor it without exception, or explain why you cannot commit to it.

·      Above and beyond the time needs and fears of the other, consider the exchange needed by the other. If you consider that nothing in life is a one-way flow, then you must consider what the person producing the information needs in exchange. Given that this is usually an implied need, intuition is critical in identifying it. Perhaps the other needs the feeling that you will offer information they need back to them at some point in the future. Perhaps they need your gratitude. Perhaps they need your respect or approval.

Are You Socializing? In a socializing communication, where you are just communicating for enjoyment or to build a relationship, there usually is not a lot of strategy needed. The purpose being social, the strategy is generally to have fun, communicate love, or share experiences, thoughts, and emotions. I have found it is useful, however, to examine my social interactions for ways I can improve them.

Or Are You Just Venting…Airing Out Your Emotions? You might be angry, for instance, and need to express your anger to another person to relieve the tension inside of you. Unlike socializing, a lot more strategy could be used here. In my experience, most people vent too frequently and with too little forethought. They then come across as negative people and often alienate more positive-minded people with whom they interact.

·      Venting Rule #1. Remember the old maxim of questionable origination, “Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by ignorance or stupidity.” It is so true. Our fears tend to take us immediately to the place of believing that someone has a mission to damage us. That is rarely the case. People just don’t have time to intentionally wreck our lives. But we ascribe the worst to the other and then react with the malice we have perceived on their part.

·      Venting Rule #2. Let some time pass. Practice the pause! Venting is reacting, but you likely want to reduce the amount of venom in the reaction and time usually helps greatly. The amount of time varies, but it must be enough so that the next rule can be satisfied.

·      Venting Rule #3. Express what you feel and only what you feel—not how wrong someone is or what a jerk someone is. A person who was neglected at an important company meeting might be initially inclined to react with the following comment to his friend, “Joe, my manager, is an &#*@!&!!!! He’s as bad as they come. What a jerk! I wish they’d fire his &#*!!!” A much healthier reaction would be, “I feel angry that Joe did not ask my opinion at the meeting. I feel hurt. I am afraid that he may not think highly enough of my opinion to ask for them in front of a group of people. That makes me sad and I am afraid that I may not have a future with this company as long as Joe is my manager.”

·      Venting Rule #4. After expressing your emotions, focus the communication on the positive things you can do to improve the situation. The neglected employee might say to his friend, “I am thinking about asking Joe to grab a cup of coffee with me and expressing how I feel. What would you suggest?”

Or, Finally, Are You Overcommunicating? Marshall Goldsmith, the legendary executive coach, talks about the leader who always must add a little of their own ingenuity or twist to ideas generated by their direct reports. The problem is that while the leader may have improved the report's idea by 5%, they have reduced the report's commitment to executing it by 50% by stripping them of ownership of it. He calls it the "fallacy of added value" and it really rings true. I have seen this in operation many, many times...the leader who must put their thumbprint on an idea to make it their own, only to discover that their thumbprint strips the original creator of any enthusiasm for playing in the new territory. Many times, more than you think, it’s good to be quiet as a leader and let your people gallop.

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